14
2011We sit long over sliced onions and potatoes while my sick babies rest in the cool of her farmhouse.
There are 40 years between us and yet our hearts both feel the ache.
The longing ache for what should have been had we never distrusted God and left the garden.
We both grew up without Truth poured from the Word into our hearts and, yet, that imprint of God placed on each person at birth bore quiet testimony. She knew when she watched her parent’s divorce that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I knew as I held my sobbing sister while family fought loud in the hallway that relationships weren’t supposed to be like that. No one teaches you these things: they are innate. Stamped on your soul with an indelible mark.
Life isn’t supposed to be like this.
What went wrong?
There’s quiet for a time as she stirs the sauce and I clean up scattered toys from the floor. We contemplate our own hearts, our own hurts, our own failures silently.
What went wrong?
The truth of the matter is that we simply failed to trust God. Failed to trust in His Goodness. Failed to trust that what He freely gives is the best thing.
And so when our spouse hurts our feelings, our hearts cry out “Is he really the best thing you could have given me, God?” Our reaction is sin whether yelling or bitterness or recoiling or simply walking away. Our reaction is to say “God, this isn’t the best thing so I’m going to take control here.”
Our reaction is ingratitude.
A sick baby wakes coughing and I sit with the nebulizer trying to clear her lungs wishing it were as easy to clear my heart of ingratitude, of sin, of doubting the One who orchestrates it all.
I look over at Carol, busy cooking up something nourishing. And while her meals bring strength to the body, her real reason for cooking is to nourish relationships. To bring souls to the meeting place of her table.
Isn’t that what all souls ultimately long for: a meeting place? A place to lay themselves bare and be honest about who we are in our quiet mix of good and evil, of doubt and belief.
Two days later, as I dip brush in paint and stencil a kitchen back-splash, these moments rush back at me. I want to create the hallowed meeting place: daily with the five who live here and often with the souls wandering near me.
But how?
How do I release the full weight of who I am in a way that helps others surrender their full weight to be loved?
13
2011I’ve dropped off the planet for about a week now.
Sick and sleepless babies are their own sort of time warp.
Especially the sleeplessness.
Days melt into the next.
Timelessness ensues.
I’m not going to make myself look pretty here: I’m not good at sleeplessness, selflessness, or humility.
I think I deserve to have things my way all the time.
We’ll call this sinfulness. Or just plain old pride.
In any case, when my little banshees cherubs wake howling at 5 am (after waking at 10, 11:30, 1, and 3) my first thoughts are not concern about their well-being. My first thought on a good night (i.e. the first in a string of bad nights or the fluke night) is “How long, oh Lord!” A typical night’s first thought is: “Why can’t that little {insert derogatory word of choice}just stay asleep already!”
Between cutting teeth and this crazy bout with RSV, I’ve had 2 blissful uninterrupted nights of sleep and two nights where I totaled over 5 consecutive sleep hours in the last month.
I’m not telling you this for your pity (believe me, I’ve thrown enough pity parties). I’m telling you so you access the seriousness of my sleep deprivatiion levels and mental state.
It’s been legitimately rough around here if you’re an 8 hour of sleep lover (covet-er, worshiper, oh my depravity!)
But God (shivers).
He send 3 nights without a working air conditioning and daytime temperatures rising into the 100s while babies are dealing with RSV and both mommy and daddy are down with the cold symptoms/fever of adult RSV. The last 2 nights the girls and I spend sleeping at the homes of godly women whose conversation makes me feel sane. They both know how to be real.
He sends a new friend pregnant with twins on full bedrest for an entire month now who has the most incredible grace-filled attitude. Did I mention she has a toddler too?
He sends laughter in the form of a fellow pregnant friend asking those hysterical TMI (too much information) question that only a fellow pregnant friend could come up with.
He sends a tiny toddler solemnly promising with enthusiasm to sleep through the night that night after our two nights away from home. A toddler who, except for one startled, waking kept that promise.
He allows the hard stuff to come, but he serves up heaps of blessings (sometimes unnoticed) alongside.
This counting His blessings changes things.
It might not change my hearts propensity to selfishness/sinfulness, but it changes perspective, shifts focus.
And softens my stubborn heart to gestate truth.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice….But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now that you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:4,10-14
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
Counting Gifts #2047-2070
- Previously purchased Moleskin
for when wild toddler twins run off with my original gratitude journal and I still can’t find it weeks later.
- Kitchen walls painted
- Extra pain from the second can used to add color to the entryway.
- Only 2 rooms and one bath not yet touched by paint and my hand. The house is starting to feel like my home.
- 2 8 hour nights of sleep between Aeralinds last tooth and the start of Bronwyn’s bout with RSV
- Aeralind waiting to come down with it until after B was on the mend- even though sleep deprivation is prolonged. 30 minutes of twin nebulizing in the middle of the night is not fun, but 15 for one baby for 7-10 days is manageable.
- Not catching it myself until Saturday
- being well enough Sunday to work at Furman
- Friends I can call at 10pm and ask to sleep in their air conditioning after our heat pump goes down
- Derek getting a full night’s sleep while the we slept at Ruthie’s before the fever finally hit him.
- Cool baths and showers whenever needed
- Pool time to cool off
- Nana’s farm to stay at one night and day.
- Story and sharing with Nana
- Long baby naps
- Sparkle coming back in my girls eyes
- Babies eating well again for the first time in 7 days.
- Aerie girl feeling well enough to dump her dinner bowl on the floor in pure spite
- Farm fress eggs boiling in a pot
- Busy girls
- Girls so hungry (finally) that they begged bagel off of me after they had eaten a full breakfast
- Little helpers
- A general spirit of sweet obedience
- Goosebumps from being cold!!
08
2011Julia and I are exploring the meaning of Beauty, intersecting Beauty with the word of God, and letting Beauty live in our lives. Inspired by a joint feeling of just not measuring up in the beauty category, we’re tackling some hard questions:
- What is Beauty? And does it reside in me?
- And when my husband says that I’m beautiful, how can I receive those words as truth in a culture that says the opposite?
- What am I going to teach my daughters about Beauty?
- And most importantly, what does the Word of God say about Beauty?
Join us as we converse about a topic that touches the heart of all women.
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Today we’re featuring a guest post from my (Melissa’s) dear friend Sarah.
I met Sarah doing something crazy (probably mattress surfing) in the halls of “Middle Howard”. She has to-die-for curly hair, is super spunky, she plays the guitar and sings worship songs, and is compassionate enough to cry when others hurt. She shepherded the hearts of many girls on my dorm hall.
I had the amazing opportunity to serve with Sarah at a Christian girl’s camp. Normally, we only crossed paths at the pool where she life guarded while I worked as a counselor and high ropes instructor. But one week some other counselors needed a break and Sarah and I were paired together in a cabin to work with a teen camp. There may have been a silly interlude of “Señor Navel” visiting our teens… but the only ‘evidence’ is a headless slightly blurry picture… hardly verifiable in a court of law as anything other than circumstantial evidence.
But in all seriousness, that week as teen counselors stretched and grew both of us immensely. We dealt with some of our own fears of beauty as reflected through the eyes of young girls barely starting high school. We pleaded with a young girl who had already sought her worth in the eyes (and hands) of a man twice her tender age of 15. We stayed up late talking about the hard things and trying to process how to serve these girls and who we were becoming in Christ. And we gave one another many reality checks that week: some brisk edifying “Snap out of it and serve these girls.” and some “God made you beautiful and that’s the truth.”
Since camp, God has taken Sarah on a long road. She married prior to finishing school to a guy who appeared to love the Lord and doted on her. She became unexpectedly pregnant with a sweet girl named Emma who has milk allergies, is gluten-free, and has Asperger syndrome (a syndrome low on the autism spectrum). After a couple years of marriage, Sarah had to be strong enough to endure a biblical divorce and become a single working mom. A few years later the Lord brought back an old friend who loved Him to love her. They’ve been married for almost 2 years now and are daily striving to serve each other and Him to the best of their grace-reliant resources.
Through it all, Sarah’s attitude has only become more gracious as she learned endurance and joy through the difficult paths she’s walked. Oh, Sarah, I am so blessed to call you friend and wish we could visit more often.
Ya know, there are many people in the world that seemingly have it all together and also have everything all together in a nice house. They look great, are really “cool”, have friends with class, big-important jobs, and money. I’ve honestly been struggling with the “looking great” (i.e. perfect body) aspect of all of this for about two years. Now don’t get me wrong, many of you know I’m trying to eat healthier and make better choices in food and exercise and that’s fine and dandy.
But when my heart is set on the goal of perfect, tan, skinny, American wife and mom I lose sight of what’s truly important. I begin to not just keep a healthy biblical goal of eating healthy but lose integrity and forget about the truth of Christ’s love that really matters.
Yep, it’s bold to say that, and might sound extreme but that’s honestly and truthfully what we lose when we strive to be like the world!
True integrity, doesn’t come with perfection, in any form, or jean size! In fact, Christ tells us to cease striving and to lean on Him for help. So why do I continue to desire to look like the world when I’m only here visiting? And not just in my clothes size but in longing for bigger and better things such as money and home.
Friends, we are living in a modern day Babylon. I’m learning, in my new Bible study in Sunday School (Daniel by Beth Moore), the the parallels between the ancient and very worldly Babylon are actually very, very similar to today’s world. The book of Daniel is the best example to explore these truths. Our class has only gotten as far as chapter one, in which Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah stand up to the chief guard and request to eat clean healthy foods vs. the king’s food.
But, in this modern day world, why do we seek worldly beauty and choices over true beauty and Biblical truths?! Why don’t we stand up to the chief of all lies and say we’re standing in truth and requesting to seek to be like Christ not that tan blonde with the size 4 pants?!I’ve got a new mind set, sweet friends. Time to seek some more Jesus and less of myself. Will you join me?
“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.”
Mark 8:34-36
Do keep in mind that it’s okay to eat healthy and stay at your height proportioned weight. That’s taking care of your body that God gave you and there’s nothing wrong with that. But let’s aim even higher and set our sights on walking in truth, God’s word. Let’s stand on that more than a scale, dressing room floor, a “cool” but bad scene or Satan’s pretty little lies of deception.
Let me leave you with a humorous reality check I was dealt, lovingly, a few nights ago. My sister and best friend is a realist to the max and I love that about her. She’s always had a good head on her shoulders and heart in her chest. She knows how much I greatly desire the best for my family, but sometimes I get over exhausted in the perfection of spotless carpeting and sparkling dishes. So here’s what she did: she rearranged Emma’s doll house to reflect the humorous truth about a home.
07
2011I just put two very sick feverish listless girls down for their first morning nap/rest since January. They requested it.
Bronwyn hasn’t slept through the night since Saturday and ofcourse that means that Aeralind has been awoken every night too. Aeralind just caught the nasty bug last night while B has had it since Sunday.
I’m exhausted.
I want to whine.
I want sleep for at least 6 consecutive hours.
Derek posted the following verse on our mirror a few weeks back and this morning it showed up in my google reader in Ann’s post.
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. Colossian 3:23-24
It’s all I can do to cling to this verse as a grumpy feverish girl clings to me in the middle of the night.
To sigh, grateful (stifling frustration), that she wants nothing more than to be loved on by her momma.
To breathe in the scent of her dirty hair and know that in that quiet moment, I am serving Him.

