A Softening of Heart

I’ve dropped off the planet for about a week now.

Sick and sleepless babies are their own sort of time warp.

Especially the sleeplessness.
Days melt into the next.
Timelessness ensues.

I’m not going to make myself look pretty here: I’m not good at sleeplessness, selflessness, or humility.

I think I deserve to have things my way all the time.

We’ll call this sinfulness. Or just plain old pride.

In any case, when my little banshees cherubs wake howling at 5 am (after waking at 10, 11:30, 1, and 3) my first thoughts are not concern about their well-being.  My first thought on a good night (i.e. the first in a string of bad nights or the fluke night) is “How long, oh Lord!”  A typical night’s first thought is: “Why can’t that little {insert derogatory word of choice}just stay asleep already!”

Between cutting teeth and this crazy bout with RSV, I’ve had 2 blissful uninterrupted nights of sleep and two nights where I totaled over 5 consecutive sleep hours in the last month.

I’m not telling you this for your pity (believe me, I’ve thrown enough pity parties). I’m telling you so you access the seriousness of my sleep deprivatiion levels and mental state.

It’s been legitimately rough around here if you’re an 8 hour of sleep lover (covet-er, worshiper, oh my depravity!)

But God (shivers).

He send 3 nights without a working air conditioning and daytime temperatures rising into the 100s while babies are dealing with RSV and both mommy and daddy are down with the cold symptoms/fever of adult RSV.  The last 2 nights the girls and I spend sleeping at the homes of godly women whose conversation makes me feel sane.  They both know how to be real.

He sends a new friend pregnant with twins on full bedrest for an entire month now who has the most incredible grace-filled attitude.  Did I mention she has a toddler too?

He sends laughter in the form of a fellow pregnant friend asking those hysterical TMI (too much information) question that only a fellow pregnant friend could come up with.

He sends a tiny toddler solemnly promising with enthusiasm to sleep through the night that night after our two nights away from home.  A toddler who, except for one startled, waking kept that promise.

He allows the hard stuff to come, but he serves up heaps of blessings (sometimes unnoticed) alongside.

This counting His blessings changes things.

It might not change my hearts propensity to selfishness/sinfulness, but it changes perspective, shifts focus.

And softens my stubborn heart to gestate truth.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice….But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now that you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity.  Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.   Philippians 4:4,10-14

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  James 1:2-4

Counting Gifts #2047-2070

  • Previously purchased Moleskin for when wild toddler twins run off with my original gratitude journal and I still can’t find it weeks later.
  • Kitchen walls painted
  • Extra pain from the second can used to add color to the entryway.
  • Only 2 rooms and one bath not yet touched by paint and my hand.  The house is starting to feel like my home.
  • 2 8 hour nights of sleep between Aeralinds last tooth and the start of Bronwyn’s bout with RSV
  • Aeralind waiting to come down with it until after B was on the mend- even though sleep deprivation is prolonged. 30 minutes of twin nebulizing in the middle of the night is not fun, but 15 for one baby for 7-10 days is manageable.
  • Not catching it myself until Saturday
  • being well enough Sunday to work at Furman
  • Friends I can call at 10pm and ask to sleep in their air conditioning after our heat pump goes down
  • Derek getting a full night’s sleep while the we slept at Ruthie’s before the fever finally hit him.
  • Cool baths and showers whenever needed
  • Pool time to cool off
  • Nana’s farm to stay at one night and day.
  • Story and sharing with Nana
  • Long baby naps
  • Sparkle coming back in my girls eyes
  • Babies eating well again for the first time in 7 days.
  • Aerie girl feeling well enough to dump her dinner bowl on the floor in pure spite
  • Farm fress eggs boiling in a pot
  • Busy girls
  • Girls so hungry (finally) that they begged bagel off of me after they had eaten a full breakfast
  • Little helpers
  • A general spirit of sweet obedience
  • Goosebumps from being cold!!

holy experience