I’m not going to pretend that mothering these two precious girls is easy. It’s by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My day now flows around their schedule; I’ve lost my ‘control’ over my life. I can’t leave them for more than 4-5 hours or I have to chain myself to a pump (which is somewhat painful these days). What I eat is now catered to their needs and I am humbled every time I have to ask a room full of people or a waiter, “Is there dairy in that?” My body is stretched and flabby from gestating them and scarred from their entrance. My back hurts from leaning down to feed them. I never know whether I’ll be granted 8 hours of consecutive sleep or just 3. My brain cells seem to have hidden themselves in some forgotten place. My house is more of a wreck than ever before. Time to pursue my own interests is limited until I can predict how long they will nap. I’m so exhausted most days that I struggle to meet my husband’s needs.
But this soon shall pass.
The constant tiredness, the bench in my living room strew with burp rags and bibs, the days of trying to squeeze into just one pair of pants I used to wear (after both pairs that do fit are covered in spit up), the waking at 2:30 or 4:30, and the compulsive label reading and wondering how to get enough calories to feed all 3 of us…
It will soon pass. And when all the chaos and unpredictability passes, when all the exhausted tears dry up, when all the diaper changing/washing days are gone, when I can actually manage to get dinner on the table more consistently then will I look back and miss this time? Will I wonder what I missed while I was too busy complaining, too busy wondering why my needs/wants are always last, too busy wallowing in selfishness?
This soon shall pass. I will pause this moment to celebrate. To reach down into this different life I’m living and claim what is good, what is right, what is holy. To bring it to Him and thank Him. To remember that my purpose here is greater than changing diapers, or even being a mother; my purpose is point to Him and love greatly. My purpose is to wallow in His grace. To send my smile back up at Him as my girls smile up at me– happy to matter to someone.
So I will stop here in this crazy moment to celebrate briefly the glorious gifts that will soon pass unmentioned.
264. Waking up at 2:30, 5:45, 8:30 to little girls cooing in the dark.
265. Having little girls to wake up to at all.
266. Reading The Pout Pout Fish in chorus with my husband as two girls grin.
267. Being unable to finish writing a single blog post without being interrupted to provide nourishment to a wailing baby
268. Babies falling asleep silently while playing
269. Oh those beautiful crazy happy smiles first thing in the morning!
270. Crazy little laughs that sound almost like a wheezing asthmatic: Ah-ha Ah-Ah
271. Smiling at me while they nurse
272. A baby who whines herself to sleep
273. Waking up to coughing
274. Watching them stare distractedly at the world
275. 6 hours of consecutive sleep (8 hours for them)
276. Surprise spit up down my pants, on my tummy, all over daddy’s arm, shot up into their own eyes
277. The frustrated looks and noises they make when on their tummies because they know they know how to roll over but can’t quite remember the correct sequence of movements.
278. The intense concentration etched on their faces as they reach for a toy I dangle in front of them
279. Trying desperately to bend their little knees in order to stuff their legs back in their footed sleepers.
280. How they must thump thump thump as soon as we free them from their diapers
281. Literally having the bathe Bronwyn because of an epic diaper blowout
282. Aeralind constantly rolling back to belly and then whining because she can’t figure out how she got there
283. Non stop chatter at the cow or the caterpillar or mommy and daddy or their sister
284. Watching them discover the world
285. Derek telling all three of us made up dragon stories
286. Turning their heads to our voices
287. Answering a million questions while strangers coo over them
288. Feeling them collapse in our arms with exhaustion
289. Humbly asking other for help to open doors when I’m out
290. Having automatic admission to the twin play group.
291. Watching them eat their bibs
292. Close to tripling birthweight by 6 months
293. Sitting with daddy playing computer games
294. The sweet scent of shampoo and spit up
295. Those curly eyelashes
296. Little eyes looking for me across the room
297. Bronwyn in the Bumbo chair on our table while we eat dinner
298. Little nails scratching my chest, little hands pulling on my shirt
299. Precious smiles shared between ready made sisters
300. Sisters holding hands and thumping their little legs