Wrestling for Hearts

I’ve long avoided taking the three to the library alone.

My hands are outnumbered.  Overflowing.

The people there look at us judging for our noise.

And Bronwyn, strong-willed Bronwyn who could change the world, running and screaming and throwing a fit when I tell her it’s time to leave the computers in the back.

I took a leap of faith Monday.  We went the library.  All three and just me.

I prepared her little heart: “Bronwyn, we’re going to go to the library.  You can play on the computer, but when mommy says it’s time to go, I want you to obey and come with me. If you don’t come, I’ll have to discipline you.”

We’d been practicing come every time I had to discipline her for disobeying that simple command.  I’d step back and ask her to come.  And if she didn’t, I’d grab her hand and walk her to the spot where I once stood and give her a giant hug. I’d step back and ask her to come again, and she’d come flying for the giant hug.

I wish I could tell you she obeyed.  But the truth is, she went flying down the library aisle in the opposite direction, screaming like a wild banshee when I said, “Bronwyn, come.  It’s time to leave.”

Two days later, we’re walking around a lake.  Little strong-willed Bronwyn, walks up beside me.

“Hand.” She demands.

And I reach down to hold her tiny fingers.  To express love despite her heart full of sin (not so unlike my own).

And I think: Isn’t this just like Him?

Christ loved me at my darkest.  He loved me while sin still reined in my heart.  He loved me and died for me when I was still unborn… but he knew how my strong-willed heart would go…

But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

The least I can do in return is hold this little strong-willed hand whenever she asks and keep correcting and praying for this little heart.

2962. Little Bronwyn asking to hold my hand
2963. Conversations about fear, relationships, and mothering
2964. Grace gained affirmation
2965. Gray Squirrel patterning in the leaves
2966. Aeralind playing T-ball and squealing
2967. Seeing Daylin’s first loose tooth
2968. Watching Brady take care of the girls
2969. Knitting prayers for my neighbor
2970. Slow braised Brussels sprouts in bacon grease
2971. Groceries for over a week coming in at $52
2972. Yogurt popcicles being a super real food ice cream substitute.
2973. Rough night with Sedryn making me too sleepy to listen to a sermon but just perfect to fill an empty spot in the 1 year-old nursery
2974. Snuggling with the boy-son
2975. Sedryn discovering his love of a toy his sisters didn’t love
2976. Early sprint weather
2977. The music at Ann’s blog-how it just makes my heart want to find joy in the now
2978. Being loved in my darkest moment.

holy experience